Lesson #8: Healthy boundaries protect you.
And the people around you.
In our journey through life, one of the most crucial skills we can learn is the art of setting healthy boundaries. It's a protective measure, not just for our well-being but also for maintaining respectful and nurturing relationships with those around us.
Because when you don’t have boundaries, it compounds conflict. In the past, if there was an issue with a friend, I expected them to know what they did and apologize for it. Essentially, I expected them to read my mind. However, at the time, I didn’t see it that way. I thought if someone knew me or was a decent human being, there were certain things they wouldn’t do or even dare ask me to do. And while that’s a completely understandable (to an extent) expectation to have, it’s not at all realistic.
Everyone is different. We all come from different backgrounds and have different experiences that shape not only who we are, but how we perceive the world. When you just expect people to react according to your worldview without communicating those expectations upfront, you leave the door wide open for miscommunication and conflict.
Furthermore, having this mindset is a way to shift blame. Instead of taking responsibility for my inability to say “no” or communicate what I needed, I would put it on the other person and get upset. How unfair is that?? This is exactly the type of damage that comes from not having healthy boundaries.
And maybe you don’t have a problem with boundaries in every area of your life. Personally, I know how to set boundaries with family, friends, and even coworkers. But, when it comes to romantic relationships or even newer people in my life, I struggle. Boundaries are not black and white. It isn’t “either you have boundaries or you don't.” We all have areas in our life where we could benefit from learning to set healthy boundaries.
Setting Boundaries Based on Self-Understanding
The first step in setting boundaries is self-reflection. It involves a deep dive into understanding who you are at your core. This isn’t about what society expects from you, or what roles you've been playing in the lives of others. It's about peeling back the layers to reveal your true self.
To start this process, take out a pen and paper and write down who you are in this moment. Forget the 'shoulds' or the 'could haves.' Focus on your current state – your feelings, aspirations, and values. This exercise is not a one-time event; it's an ongoing process of self-discovery. As you evolve, so will your understanding of yourself, and consequently, your boundaries.
Next, consider what you want from different aspects of your life – be it relationships, career, finances, or personal growth. This is about aligning your life with your core values and needs.
Once you have a clearer understanding of who you are and what you want, you can start setting boundaries that align with these insights. Boundaries are personal and vary widely from person to person. They can be emotional, such as deciding not to tolerate disrespect or manipulation, or they can be practical, like setting limits on your time and energy.
Communicating Your Boundaries
Effective communication is key to setting boundaries. It’s important to express your boundaries clearly, firmly, and respectfully. You don’t need to justify, argue, defend, or apologize for your boundaries. Remember, it's not about being confrontational; it's about being assertive.
Lastly, many of us fall into the trap of being people-pleasing, often at the expense of our own needs and happiness. But if you think about it, people pleasing is in the same category of behavior as what I described at the beginning of this blog post. In some instances, it can be even worse. Why? Because people-pleasing is a form of manipulation. You think that if you behave a certain way or do what someone is asking, then they will do what you want —often times without even properly communicating what that is. It’s messed up, and if you’re a people-pleaser, please work on letting this behavior go.
I could go on and on with countless examples of boundaries and communication, but these are both enormous topics. There are so many nuances. And that’s not what this article is about. It’s simply an introduction to the importance of setting boundaries. I hope you’ll take what I’ve discussed here and seek to learn more.
Practical Tips I Learned for Setting Boundaries
Start Small: I began with small, manageable boundaries and gradually worked my way up.
Practice Self-Compassion: I reminded myself that it's okay to make mistakes and that learning to set boundaries is a process.
Seek Support: Having supportive friends and sometimes discussing my struggles with a therapist provided me with much-needed reinforcement.
Regularly Reassess Boundaries: I regularly re-evaluate my boundaries to ensure they still align with my evolving needs.
In conclusion, setting healthy boundaries is a powerful tool for personal growth and well-being. It protects your energy, respects your values, and enhances your relationships. By understanding yourself, clearly communicating your needs, and standing firm in the face of challenges, you can create a life that is not only fulfilling but also authentic to who you are.
Until next time lovelies,
Ellie Mariyo
